Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Speech and Me by Timmy


I don’t remember everything from my old home, but the memories I do have often haunt me nightly—especially those relating to my struggles with speech. Because my life is mine and private, I will only briefly explain a few key parts of my background. I come from an abusive home and the majority of the physical abuse came from my two older brothers. This is important to know to understand my story. 

Think of a newborn baby, unloved and unwanted. Though I can’t remember it, I was told that I stayed in my crib nearly 100% of the time. It was my older brothers’ job to take care of me. One year old, two years old, three years old.... I can only remember parts of my life around that time. Because we never celebrated my birthday, I’m unsure of my age at the time of my memories. I didn’t learn when my birthday was until I turned twelve and that was only because the new school I attended announced students’ birthdays over the intercom at the beginning of the day. I know that around the age of three or four was when the worst of the abuse began (or at least those are my earliest memories of it). 

I was forced to speak in my home, though I couldn’t speak properly. I have a stutter and a lisp and, when I do speak, you have to stain to hear me because my voice is so quiet. If I misspoke, I would be punished. If I stuttered I would be called names or punished. If my brothers heard me when I spoke, I would be punished. To make matters worse, if I cried, they would be punished, and I would suffer worse punishment if that happened. 

So, think of a small three or four year old boy trying to say, “I need to go to the bathroom.” If I said it aloud, I would be punished for saying it wrong... and then I didn’t dare leave the room without permission. What could I do? Nothing. Either way, I would be punished. At ages five, six, and seven, it didn’t change. 

Now, I can’t speak more than two word sentences because I struggle with keeping words in order. I can say “I’m hungry,” but if I try to say “I am hungry. Can I eat?” it will come out as “I am eat can I hungry.” I don’t know why my brain confuses words. All I know is that I say it wrong even though I wasn’t thinking it that way.

When I started school and I had to communicate with teachers and students, it didn’t take me long to figure out that writing was the best form of communication for me. Then later, when something very bad happened at home, I was sent away. I had to talk to police, social workers, and foster people. All of them were too busy to allow me the time to write everything out and read what I wrote; and speaking was never an option. At that point in my life, not only did I have speech problems, but I had a lot of fear to go with them. What would happen to me if I didn’t say what I meant to say to the police? Could I go to jail for that? I was scared of what they would do to me because my brother would beat me for it and the teachers sent me to the office for refusing to speak, so what punishment would the police give me? I know now that I wouldn't be in trouble for it, but I didn't know that then. I was so scared, and I felt so alone in this strange world. 

The foster people I was sent to were worse than my family members, so I lied and said I made it all up - even though I had several broken bones - one so severe it required surgery to put my arm back together. Nevertheless, they sent me back home, and the cycle continued. Home or school, it didn’t matter where I was. I was bullied and abused because I couldn’t speak, and people were too impatient to wait for me to express myself in the only way I could: by writing. There was no hope for me. I was going to either make it or not in life. Nobody was going to save or help me. Teachers didn’t talk to me and my parents were never home. I was lost in a world that did nothing but abuse me. I was lucky if an adult even noticed me.

I don’t know if my life would have been different had I been able to speak, but what I DO know is it only took one little girl who cared enough and was patient enough to help me. I wonder why nobody else stopped and asked himself, “What’s wrong here? How can I help fix this? How can I help this kid who is clearly struggling?” 

There are many kids like me and they depend on every adult to do one of two things to save their lives. One, help them! Two, show compassion. If your child, sister, wife, husband, anyone you have any sort of influence over belittles a person for their differences then you have failed as a compassionate person. Please stop them, talk to them, and TEACH them. Nobody can control another person, but (with the exception of your children), you can decide who is in your life. You may not have control over what your husband says or does, but what do you want him to teach your children? What would happen if it was your child who had the same speech problems that I do? Ask them to step into the shoes of the person they tease or belittle for one day. Every person is teachable if they have even the smallest kindness shown to them.

I have many speech problems. Some of them have been identified and some have yet to be identified. It’s very difficult not to be able to speak. If I’m hurt, scared, or upset, I have to depend on my writing and someone being willing to read what I write. 

Over the past few days, I have seen the “Don’t Read This” challenge all over Facebook. It challenges people to go a whole day without reading anything in hopes you will understand how an illiterate person feels. I have a few challenges for you to try too. In truth, the only people who will try these challenges are people who truly want to know what people like me go through every day. You can say you understand, but trust me, you don’t understand the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and the feeling of being broken. 

My challenges for you are to do two things on different days. On the first day, spend the day without speaking. You can make noises, but no words. That means no speaking to teachers, students, bosses, grocery clerks, police officers, NO ONE. Your only forms of communication are writing, typing, and body language. If you decided to take this challenge remember to have paper and pen with you. When I had to talk to the police, I was trying to talk about something extremely upsetting and I had to try to explain by writing. The second challenge is, the next time you are angry or upset, and I mean extremely upset or mad, express that only in writing. No words, no yelling, only writing and body language. After doing either or both of these challenges, you will understand on a small scale what I deal with every day. 

According to the National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders (NIDCD) approximately 7.5 million people in the United States have trouble using their voices, and between 6 and 8 million people in the United States have some form of language impairment. It is also estimated by the NIDCD that more than 3 million Americans stutter, and more than 15 million individuals in the world stutter, most of whom began stuttering at a very early age. By the first grade, roughly five percent of children have noticeable speech disorders and the majority of these speech disorders have no known cause. To read more on this go to the NIDCD website. Thanks for reading this.~Timmy
All content ©2014 Timmy Ashton. All Rights Reserved.

40 comments:

  1. Timmy, I don't even know what to say. I'm so happy you're at a better place. You have enriched my life and inspired me- you and Cody. The sky is the limit for you friend. <3

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    1. Thanks for all the support. I still have a long way to go on my speech, but I'm working on it.
      <3 Timmy

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  2. Timmy, I don't know how to respond to this except to say that you are such an incredibly beautiful and brave human being. Thank you for sharing this with the world and for bringing to light the issues faced by those who struggle with speech. Much love to you, sweetheart.

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    1. I hope this is able to help others, and let them know they are not alone. I also hope that it helps people see that our life is hard enough, we don't need to be bullied on top of it.
      <3 Timmy

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  3. Timmy I am very sorry you had to go through any of that. In a very small way I understand about the being unable to speak, not from my stand point but from my husbands. Twelve years ago my husband suffered a stroke that left him unable to speak and even write. I remember him trying to communicate with us. There were grunts and groans, but no words. He has said of that time he felt helpless. He could hear us but couldn't get words out. He went to therapy for months gradually gaining the use of speaking. His words would come out all wrong. He once said to wash the dog when he was trying to let us know he was hungry. To this day he has speech problems. He will be talking and the words come out garbled. I have seen how people view him If he's not fast enough you can see people get frustrated. When he says the wrong word they look at him like he's stupid. Neither is true. My husband is a very intelligent man he just can't communicate it through speech effectively. I also know that trying to write down emotions without speaking is very difficult. My grandmother is deaf and all our communication to her is written. It is very hard to write down the emotion and sadness when you have to tell someone that their daughter has cancer and has died.
    In a very, very small way I have seen what you go through. It takes a lot of courage for you and Cody to share your lives with us. I truly believe you both are very special people and I'm happy to know you

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    1. I'm very sorry for the pain your husband suffered. I was at least lucky enough to grow up this way. I'm sure it was much harder for him, beings that he was able to speak and then it was taken from him. Fate can be very cruel. I hope he continues to recover. I can't say I'm glad you know how I feel, because I'm not. I would have much rather you learn from a challenge and not through experience.
      <3 Good luck to you and your family. Timmy

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  4. Thanks for sharing this, Timmy. It makes me crazy that there are adults in the world who would not do everything in their power to help a traumatized child communicate with them. I've worked with a few people with speech difficulties over the years. They all had additional disabilities and most did not have the ability to write. I always made a sincere effort to understand them in whatever way they communicated. When I struggled, they would repeat words, sounds or gestures over and over. I was always so grateful for their patience with me.

    I know you still have your struggles but I am so glad that you are in a better place. And I'm extremely grateful that you share parts of yourself with us. You are an amazing young man and I predict great things in your future. You are an inspiration!

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    1. Thanks Lynette. I just LOVE that you say their patience with you! I find if someone is really willing to listen, I am willing to try to communicate, but that doesn't happen often. In my life people like you are rare and treasured.
      <3 Timmy

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  5. Timmy, no one should ever have to face what you've had to. You, my friend, are one of the strongest, bravest people I know and I hope you are proud of how far you've come. I want to say thank you for telling us some of your story. I can only imagine how hard it is to talk about. But by doing that you are educating each and every one of us, making us more aware.
    Thank you for being a part of my life. I cherish the FB time we get to spend together.

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    1. Thanks Sandy! I cherish our time as well. I'm glad that by telling my story I can help others. That is important to me.
      <3 Timmy

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  6. Timmy, your bravery and compassion for others is nothing short of inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story in order to stand up and be heard, and writing can be a very effective and wide reaching method for doing that, on behalf of yourself and others who have been through similar experiences. You are a great advocate and I have no doubt that you will continue to rise and go on to do amazing things from the ashes of your past. I am so glad you are in a much better place now and surrounded by family and friends who care and love you for the amazing person you are.

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    1. Awww... Thanks Aniko! I hate writing the stories, because it's hard on me, but I always feel better after.
      <3 Timmy

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  7. Thank you for sharing your story, Timmy. You are touching so many lives and by reaching out with your stories you are helping others. I know it's hard to tell them, but what you're doing will really make a difference in someone's life. Whether it is getting an abused child to speak out and ask for help or it is prompting someone to get involved to stop abuse, you are doing something very important. I'm very proud of you. And I hope you know that you are now surrounded by a big extended family who loves you and who will always be here for you. Always.

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    1. I love my new BIG extended family! You guys may not realize what an impact you have on my life, but it is a BIG one. You make me smile when I'm sad. You encourage me in my art, writing, and school. You teach me that there are good people in the world, and give me hope that there is people out there that care and want to help. I really truly appreciate everyone of you.
      <3 Timmy

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  8. Timmy, your story touched me in so many ways, partly because I had a slight speech problem growing up due to hearing loss I suffered at birth. But it wasn't anything severe. However, as an adult I taught high school special ed classes and had many students over the many years with severe speech issues, from stuttering to mixing up words when speaking (as you mentioned you sometimes do) to not being able to express their needs verbally at all with any clarity. Sadly, many of them also suffered from learning disabilities and couldn't communicate any better in writing. For most of my teaching career I had a self-contained class and would always be given these "difficult" kids. I never complained, and considered it a badge of honor that I was considered the most patient and understanding teacher on the staff, one who would take the time to work with these kids and help them learn how to communicate their needs to other people. They weren't "difficult," just took patience and time to get to know and understand what each was trying to say. It was often difficult, as these kids would be mixed into the same room as those with ADHD who tended to talk a mile a minute. Often the other kids would get very impatient with the ones who couldn't effectively speak, and I would have to keep the peace. The beauty of having the same kids all day meant they eventually formed into a kind of team, each of whom understood the needs and wants of the others and accepted their differences as being normal. The problem with most teachers is they get too caught up with teaching "the curriculum," and thus don't or won't take the time to assess the individual learning modalities of their students and how best to serve those students. I don't know where you are in school, or if you're doing K12.com online classes, or something similar, but thankfully you can write and express yourself with such articulate clarity. You are an inspiration. I'm not teaching right now (retired from full time, writing books for the moment), but if I was I would absolutely read your post to my students. I still have friends teaching special ed and might share your story with them, especially if I hear they have a student or students with severe speech impairment. Your words are enlightening. Keep sharing them with the world. Thanks for opening yourself up and sharing your pain for the benefit of others.

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    1. It's amazing what a good teacher can do. I personally have a lot of trust issues when it come to teachers, but because of FB I now know there are good ones out there. It gives me hope that when my nieces and nephews go to school that they may have a better time in school than I did. I don't have any learning disabilities, but my heart goes out to those that do and also have speech problems. I think it's unfair that people get all they issues to deal with and then just get more added to it. One thing I hear a lot in school is...He's stupid, so he does understand, or , I'm not hurting him because he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Even if someone is impaired either mentally or by speech, does not mean they don't understand. If a person thinks they don't understand, what do they get out of bullying them? Do it then mean that bullying a baby would be ok because they don't understand? People baffle me. I'm glad there are teachers like you out there to help those whom can't help themselves.
      <3 Timmy

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    2. Well said, Timmy, as always. Keep doing what you're doing!

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    3. Thanks for being a good teacher Michael!
      <3 Timmy

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  9. Timmy, it breaks my heart to think of everything you've had to endure in your life. I also couldn't be more proud of you. By sharing your stories you bring a message of hope to everyone who reads them. You truly are an inspiration.

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    1. Though I would have wanted a different life, look what this one has brought me. Good friends, encouraging people in my life, and a new family that loves me. Don't let your heart be broken for me, because my life is getting better daily. Let it break for the kids that are not as lucky as me and still live that life. The ones that chose death, because they feel there are no other options. The ones that die because nobody saw the struggle they live with until to late. I will be fine now, but there are many more out there like me who will not get the second change I was given.
      <3 Timmy

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    2. You deserve every moment of happiness you have, Timmy! And you're doing so much to help these other children. You make me want to do more as well. Big hugs!

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  10. Thank you for sharing this with us, Timmy! You are such a brave soul! I will take your challenge tomorrow (that's Friday for me) and I will document what I find. :) Big hugs and much love! I am blessed to be able to see these glimpses of you!

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    1. Wow that's awesome that you are willing to try this! Please let me know what your experiences are. I understand it will be so much more difficult for a person that had the ability to speak, to have it taken away, but I your love that you are willing to live in Cody and my shoes for a day. Good Luck.
      <3 Timmy

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  11. Sweet Timmy, this was, again, a hard read, but, as always, you put things so well in text. I am doing your challenge tomorrow (tonight I am going out with Mr Anna as it is his birthday, so I'm giving myself tonight!). I will let you know how it goes. I've already told everyone around me that it is going to happen tomorrow.
    You are right, we think we understand. But we don't. Not even if we experience it through a challenge such as yours. Because if we really need to, we can talk and scream and shout.
    I admire you so much.
    You have more to say and you are more articulate than 98% of all the people I interact with daily.
    I am constantly amazed by you, by your sweetness and your will to help and teach.
    Thank you for being there for us, Timmy, and for teaching us all.
    <3 <3 <3

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    1. I'm glad to hear you are going to try the challenge. I will be interested to hear how it went for you. Happy birthday to Mr. Anna!
      <3 Timmy

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  12. Thank you for sharing this. You scared me with the challenges. A day without reading anything would cut me off from my 'world' scary. I grew up with an illiterate mother and I quickly realised that my world and hers were different. And I got so so protective of her. My mum is sick now, she cannot speak to me any longer, we have no communication and that hurts. I wish you all the best for your life and thank you for the courage you showed in sharing and in making me think about this. Thanks
    Sofia (Anna's friend)

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    1. The day without reading is not my challenge. It is a challenge I have seen on FB. I would love to do that challenge, but because of the other issues I deal with, I am unable too. Thanks for stopping by and reading and commenting!
      <3 Timmy

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  13. Timmy you never cease to humble me. Your post brought me to tears and your comments doubled them, you are truly an inspiration to us all. Very humbled to know you and count you as a very special friend <3

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    1. No tears my Deeze. I am happier now and even though I still deal with the challenges daily, I now have people that care and help me through them.
      <3 Love you! Timmy

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  14. You ROCK young man. To have lived through what you have and remain standing strong is a testament to the strength of who you are. The work you and Cody are doing to educate us all in compassion and understanding for those who have something to say but no voice to say it,and for the push we should not need to recognize abuse for what it is and stop it, for being the voice of the many children who are being bullied every day, is a testament to the soul of who you both are. You give us all something to think about and I for one am a better person for it. Thank you and keep up the good work. Carol

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    1. Thanks Carol! I do hope I'm helping, and it's great that you guys care enough to read. People like you are the reason this works. People who takes the time to listen and learn, but not just that, it's the people that take what they have learned and apply it to life.
      <3 Timmy

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  15. Timmy - what you wrote is very eye opening. I am humbled and inspired by you and your bravery and courage that you show every single day. I'm so not worthy. I am taking your words and suggestions to heart though. Thank you.

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    1. Beth, you are very worthy. I am so grateful for people like you! You reading this and taking it to heart makes you more then worthy. I am so lucky to have met people like all of you.
      <3 Timmy

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  16. Time is the challenge! No one takes time to listen .. to read, in your case ... to learn ASL or SEE like I did to be able to communicate with a child ... to use pictures to point to ... to blink your eyes ..1 for yes 2 for no ... to tap on their arm the same 1 & 2. There are many ways to communicate ... look at Helen Keller ... but it takes time ... to find the one that works for each person & it takes time to 'listen' & 'talk' back. I am so thankful that you and Cody are so articulate in your ability to write and able to share your life experiences. I, like Mike Bowler, deal with children who cannot write ... who are trapped within themselves. It takes time to find the key to unlock the door. I hope everyone here finds the time to help 1 person unlock their solitary cell. Your writing Timmy teaches us all the value of time we'll spent! Thank you! Love from Alaska to both you & Cody & the folks in your life who give you time.

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    1. Those kids are lucky to have you in their life. Please remember that we kids get discouraged easily, but in the long run, they will be so grateful to have had someone that was patience enough to work with them and teach them. You are truly a miracle to those kids and me. <3 Timmy

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  17. Aloha Timmy,

    As always... wowwww... You're amazing. Your story is so touching. I'm constantly blown away by your thoughts, articulation and willingness to share this. It must be very painful sometimes to write about these things. I suspect your brain has found 'safe' mechanisms over the years to stop you speaking. Our subconscious mind is very powerful and it's number one job is to protect us. Probably the scramble in your brain for word sequencing is part of that.So stay with it because I've seen people retrain their brain.

    You've had a horrific life and the healing is piece by piece on things that traumatic and bad. So be kind to you. I am so glad you have support around you now and people who love you. Here's the 'funny' thing or irony. You're such a VOICE for young people in so many ways.

    I'd love to take your not speaking challenge. But I live by myself and sometimes go days without speaking to anyone, but my cats. And their English is terrible!! :-) So... However, I wonder if I could take the challenge and not speak out loud, which I do a lot. I'm a writer too and talk out my scenes.I often talk and type... so I will do your challenge with no talking to me out loud... even that will be ultra frustrating I realize. Hmmm.

    Thank you for being you. You are remarkable. I see such kindness and humanity in you. Care and hugs to you. I wrote a blog last night and mentioned you in it and you're one of my heroes. :-) Aloha and hugs Meg :-) <3

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  18. Wow! I don't consider myself anyone's hero, because it is YOU guys that are my heroes! You should try to go out and be around people more often, you sound like a person that could make a big difference in someone's life. I do work hard on my speech and try not to get frustrated by the slowness of relearning to talk correctly. I love that I can be the voice for other kids like me, because we need someone to tell people what it is like being us. Maybe then there will be more compassion towards people that are not the same as them.
    <3 Timmy

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  19. Aloha, :-) I guess at the end of the day. We're all each other's heroes in different ways.

    Thanks on your kind words regarding me. I'm not a great people person. I'm very introverted. I'm very shy and I'm terrible at small talk. I can't do the weather. I'm not interested in how people's tomatoes are growing. :-) I like long intelligent conversations with people. I used to be a therapist but I do find it draining to be around people a lot. Also my husband died in January this year and I've been coping with things on my own to a larger degree. Sometimes it just wears me down. I don't have the energy I would like or the oomph. I'm working through my own levels of sadness and lost soulness... But I'm happy to lend an ear on fb or where people might need me. And I write... my stories like Cody's have messages in them in different ways. All R18 sorry. But they're all about love and committed relationships, whether they're hetero or gay. I write both.

    How ARE you going with your speech and re-learning? I know it is frustrating. I have a feeling though you'll get there with it. The safer you feel, the easier it will be for you. You have to build trust and safety to be able to have your voice again and feel safe using it.

    I agree on you being the voice for other kids. It's so important.that they have someone who gets what's going on. And now you're moving into your teen years, you are going to be able to build your 'platform' - your voice, who you're about and what you stand for. And you're right. It's all about people understanding more. Getting some compassion in a situation and learning what it's like to be you or other kids in bad situations.

    I believe we NEED to say something and speak out. Because how else will people know otherwise? So, I love what you're doing. It really is pretty amazing. :-) I was brought up in an unusual household. I was the kid who, myself, an outsider, had the other 'outsider' friends as kids. But you know... over the years I've realized that those kids were almost always the most interesting, the deepest, the kindest, the most caring, because they DID know what it felt like to not fit in.

    And when you become a writer... you realize... there's a LOT of us who don't 'fit in' or follow the norm. And that uniqueness is what makes us good writers. Hopefully. LOL. It makes us who we are as individuals.

    You inspire me and I'm very thankful because I need inspiration in my life right now. :-)

    Aloha <3 Meg :-)

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  20. I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your husband. I am always here if you need a friend. I don't talk to anyone but my Ash in real life, so I understand keeping to yourself. I don't know what you are going through losing a special person, but I can always try to make you feel better when you are having sad moments.

    The weather normally sucks her, so I won't talk about it. :D I do have a garden that I'm really proud of, but I will avoid that convo with you. (no tomatoes only flowers)

    Speech is going slow. Mostly because I have been so sick I missed a lot. But that's ok too. I'm ok with it going slow as long as it is getting better.

    I do hope to help other kids. It was the greatest thing in the world when I had met someone that had a similar childhood to mine. He has similar problems that I have, and it's nice to know i wasn't alone. I hope to give that to others as well. Though in this case i wish I was the only person and that no one else had to live the hell I went through.

    My best RL friend is my sister now. She is very different from me. She is outgoing and popular, but she met me one day and TOLD me I would become her best friend. We have been ever since. :D It's hard to tell her no. I'm glad I didn't because my life as gotten so much better since the day she walked into it and demanded I be her friend. LOL

    I don't consider myself an inspiration, but I am ever so glad that I can be of help to you. Thank you so much for your support.

    <3 Timmy

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