Raidean's Story, Part III: Because It's Time to Move On

Taylor and I need to talk. I know we do, but at this moment, I can’t. I’m mortified that he read my journal, and he knows my plans. He knows I plan to pay someone to be with me. Or maybe I should say planned, because his offer is one I have dreamed about. I have loved Taylor for four years as either a friend or boyfriend. I will probably always love him. But I’m not sure I can handle him breaking me again. I put my heart on the line once already, and to be honest, it’s still not healed. What can I tell him? I love you but I don’t trust you? I want this so bad. It’s an ongoing war in my head since yesterday when he confronted me. He wants to be my teacher. He wants to explore with me. He wants my love back. Snort. He never lost my love! I’m the one who lost his love. I don’t think I can keep doing this. I need to make a decision and stick with it, because there is no way I’m going to make it through this without a broken heart either way I go.

I can do this with him, and hope that everything works out. I can try to show him I can be a good boyfriend. A good lover. However, I can’t give him everything he wants. I know that, and at this point in my life, I have decided I don’t want a surgery. I am who I am, like my dad said. I was born this way, and I’m tired of thinking of myself as a freak. I want so badly not to see myself that way. God made me this way. So I need to try to embrace it. It isn’t going to be easy, but I’m prepared for that. I have spent the whole night thinking and looking at my life. I decided that though I may be different, I am still a good person. People will either like me or not, but I’m tired of being fake. It’s time for me to open my eyes and see that there is a big world out there. I don’t have to hide. What I need to do is find people who want to be around me and love me. I mean, I’m not stupid, I know damn well I will always be an oddity to any man who wants to be with me. I will never have the love life I want, but I hope I can at least find someone I can trust. I don’t really know if I can trust Taylor. There is also the small problem of me being a whole different person now. I need to decide how to explain this to Taylor, because earlier I had offered to get the surgery for him, and now I won’t be doing that for anyone but myself, if and when I am ready. Will he still want me? I won’t be able to give him everything he wants, but I still have a lot to offer. I learned this in the meetings I went to with other intersex people. They tell stories. They tell that life isn’t perfect, but they are normal, and they are happy. I can be happy too. I want that and I’m willing to fight for it. But is Taylor the one I should be fighting for? Can he ever truly be happy with someone like me?

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I get up from under the tree, my tree, and go into the building. I’ve thought all I can about this, and it’s time to talk to Taylor. It’s time to set my future in motion. As I walk into our room, I see Taylor sitting on his bed. His eyes are red-rimmed and I know he’s been crying. I’m not sure why he’s upset, but it still sends spikes of pain through me. I hate seeing him like that.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

He took a deep breath before he answered. “You ran out last night. I… I wasn’t sure you’d... uh... come back. I’m sorry I invaded your privacy, but I needed to know what was going on with you. I didn’t know if you hated me.”

“First, don’t ever do that again. I need to know I can trust my roommate. I can’t take everything personal to class with me every freaking day.” I see him nodding and opening his mouth to talk but I hold my hand up to stop him. “I have changed, and we need to talk about that. I will not be having a surgery to change myself for you or anyone else. I need you to understand that, because I don’t want you to later say I tricked you into this if we start something.” He nodded again. “And I don’t want to be used as a science experiment. If you just have some stupid morbid curiosity….”

“I don’t! Please stop. I don’t want you to change. I know I took it bad when you told me. I tried to make it up to you by telling our friends it was my fault. I’m not perfect. I admit that, but I think we could be imperfect together. You know? We could learn each other and from each other. I miss you baby. I… I love you. And I want to be with you. Please give me that chance?”

I just stare at him for a while because, honestly, he’s offering what I wanted him to offer last year. He didn’t then and now I’m still not sure I can trust him. He must have taken my silence for exactly what it was because he says, “Ray, its ok to be scared. I know I let you down. I know I did but, like I said, I’m not perfect. I wish I could tell you I will never upset you again, but we both know that’s not true. Even couples who have been together for years still piss each other off. But I can promise you it won’t be about what you look like. It won’t be about what you have or don’t have. Give us this chance, Ray. Please?”

I nod slowly, and turn to look at him fully. “I would like to be your boyfriend again. I really would. I do love you, Tay, but I think we need to take this slowly. I’m not ready for anything else yet. I think we need to start as friends and see where that leads.”

“It’s a start!” He smiles so beautifully it’s almost blinding. I close my eyes and let that image soak into my brain. It’s the image I will pull up every time things get hard. And there is no doubt in my mind that things will get hard. I’m just learning who I am and learning to be proud of that person. Taylor is learning what he wants in life, and I’m still not positive it’s really me he wants. It’s not fair of me to say what he feels or doesn’t feel, but I need to guard my heart as much as I can. If it gets broken again, I’m not sure there will be anything left to put back together.

~.~

For the rest of the week we worked on our room. It looks great now that we have finished decorating it. On my side, I have dark purple sheets and a black comforter. I have my laptop on my desk with clear jars that I decorated with purple and blue paper-mache. I have a big My Chemical Romance poster over my bed and a smaller print of Starry Night by van Gogh. Mom gave me that just for my dorm. It’s soothing to look at when I need to space out and think and lately that’s been often. My dresser has a dark purple throw over it with a black candle. I love it. It fits me so perfectly. Taylor’s side looks very different, but it fits him well too. He has white sheets (what college kid has white sheets? Think of the stains!), with a dark blue comforter. I was relieved when I saw that; at least I know it won’t clash with my side of the room. He has a couple of football posters, and though I have no idea who they are, the guys are hot. His desk is empty except for his laptop, but he has an iPod player on top of his dresser. We have one window between our desks and a closet with two doors. Next to the closet is a door that leads to our bathroom, which is small, but it will work for us? One sink with a small counter that won’t fit either of our things, so we both have bathroom kits that we take in and out with us when we need to shower. The counter has just our toothbrushes and toothpaste. I like it that way. I like a clean area. The shower is a small stall. It’s perfect for me but is probably a little small for Taylor. I love it. I’m still very excited about my first place; however, I can’t seem to fight off the nerves I have from sharing it with Taylor. I’ve been very careful to dress and undress only in the bathroom. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to take it if I see disgust in Taylor’s eyes when he sees what I really look like.

Taylor on the other hand doesn’t seem to share my fears, and why should he, because that man has a killer body. The night we decided to start as friends, he gave me my first little show.

~.~

I’m sitting on my bed sorting my playlists in my iPod and I looked up as the door to my room opens. Logically I know its Taylor, but I’m still not used to people just walking into my space. Even at home, my parents don’t just walk into my room. My heart starts beating fast and my head snaps up. Taylor walks in with a grin on his beautiful face. Sigh… This friends thing is going to be hard. When he smiles like that, looking at me with lust in his eyes, I can’t help but turn to mush. I’m not sure, but I think if I had a real dick, I’d be totally hard by now, but I don’t and it can only get a little hard. It’s times like this that I feel the most awkward, because I know from books what my body should do but can’t because I don’t have the right parts.

Taylor is sweaty and his skin shines. He’s breathing kind of hard, and I see a hint of red to his skin from exertion, and damn if that isn’t the hottest thing in the world to witness. He throws his gym bag on his bed and turns to me. He doesn’t say anything as he starts to undress. I feel my skin heat up. I feel like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest as I watch him strip his shirt off. I should turn away. I shouldn’t encourage him, but I can’t take my eyes off his body as he drops his shorts and boxers. I have seen naked men. I watch porn just like any other healthy guy, but Oh My God. The years of lifting weights and playing football have toned Taylor’s body to one of the sweetest sights. And, well, I can’t just not look. He’s big… everywhere. I gulp all the liquid that fills my mouth as I watch him go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. He doesn’t even shut the door.

It takes my lust-filled mind a minute to register what he did and what he is doing. Honestly, it pisses me off. I mean, I told him I wanted to start slow. I want to build our friendship back up before even considering the possibility of us being together. This feels like he is trying to manipulate me. He knows damn well how that sight will affect me. I get off my bed, walk over, and slam the bathroom door closed. We’ll talk about this as soon as he gets out. I can’t unsee what I saw, but I can put my earbuds in to cover the sounds he’s making now. It’s obvious what he’s doing in the shower. I just wish he didn’t feel the need to tease me with it. It feels like he’s making fun of me. “Look what I can do that you can’t.” I know that’s not the case, and I know I need to get over it if I plan to be with a guy, but I can’t seem to get that out of my head. The worst part is my mind is having conflicting thoughts. I’m horny, because, well, I have hormones just like him, but then I’m pissed because I can’t do anything to fix it at this moment. I wonder if he understands what it feels like, but of course he doesn’t and can’t. I can’t just grab my dick and jack off. I can’t easily make myself come. I have to work at it, and not just physically. I have to fight my mind as well.

The years I’ve been in school have taught me a lot about how I’m different from other boys. Though I don’t have a full penis, I do have a small deformed one. I don’t have balls that hang down; I have lumps that don’t even resemble balls. One of the things that make me feel humiliated is that I can’t take my dick into my hand like a normal guy, and because I can’t hold it in my hand, it’s difficult to manipulate it to make sex feel perfect. I can’t hold it and stroke it. I have to rub it, similar, I think, to how a woman gets off, except thinking of it that way just upsets me more. I’m not a woman, damn it! I want to feel like a man! It makes me feel so emasculated, and it’s so humiliating. It’s so frustrating because all I have ever wanted is to be like everyone else.

By the time Taylor gets out of the shower, I’m more hurt than angry. But do I even have the right to be hurt? He looks at me with a question in his eyes. What’s with people thinking I can read minds? I just want to yell out that I’m not THAT kind of freak!

“Look, Taylor, if this is going to work we need to set some rules.” I tell him. I wish my words hadn’t come out so harsh, but I’m having trouble keeping my feeling out of my voice. “We need to respect each other’s boundaries. Please don’t undress in the room while I’m here, and please close the door when you are in the bathroom. Anytime you are in the bathroom. Also I don’t need or want to hear you pleasuring yourself.”

He let out a sigh and sat on his bed. I don’t mean to upset him but I can’t live like this. It just won’t make either of our lives better.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable by undressing in the room, Ray, but the bathroom is too small for me to comfortably move around. I will shut the door while I’m in the bathroom, but I can’t help my needs, man. I need to relieve myself somewhere! I get a huge adrenaline rush after a workout or practice, and it causes a need in me. I can’t not relieve that. I’m sorry if that bothers you but it’s not something I can change.” Even though he doesn’t say it, I hear “so just deal with it” at the end of that statement.

The whole bathroom being too small would have been more believable if he hadn’t been purposely putting on a show for me, but I don’t say that. Instead, I say “Just ask me to leave the room next time.” I turn around on my bed facing the wall and shut my eyes. I know he’s still staring at me. I can feel it, but he doesn’t say anything else so I try to go to sleep.

~.~

I was just about to lie on my bed when Taylor stops me. “Hey, I was thinking we could go out for a bit. I’m hungry. I saw an Applebee’s not far from campus.”

I freeze a little. Is this a date? Should I ask? “Um… Yea, I could eat.” I answer hesitantly.

He must have noticed something in my voice because he says, “I’m not going to hide. I was out in school, and I’ll be out here at college. I want to take my boyfriend out. I don’t really give a shit what anyone else thinks about that, Ray.”

Boyfriend? I’m sure I said friends, not boyfriends. I know I hadn’t agreed to that, and I know I’m not ready for that. Am I? Why does he have to move so fast? I know I should say something to him. Ask him to slow it down, but I’m so scared he will leave me again. I can’t figure out what I want. I do want him? I do want to be with him? I know I damn sure want to be his boyfriend again… someday, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to rush that. I don’t know what I’d do if after he sees me, he leaves me again. I just don’t want to risk getting my heart broken again. I don’t want all my hope taken away again. But I apparently am too much of a coward to tell him that, because I am not going to correct his assumption.

We walk down the street, and he grabs my hand. I love the little thrill I get from that. It’s a tingle that works its way up my whole arm, but I take my hand back. It’s not fair to give the impression that I’m sending mixed signals. Though I guess by not telling him we aren’t boyfriends, I already did that. We will need to talk about this, but I want to wait until we are sitting down, and I can look at him.

As we head off campus, I watch the scenery. The campus itself is beautiful with its grass, trees, courtyards, and big buildings. However, the minute you step off campus, you are thrown straight into the heart of Chicago. It’s like the campus is a small peaceful island that is guarded by invisible shields. Then, BAM, here we are back home again. I don’t really recognize this area well, because I didn’t live on this side of Chicago, but I have been by here a time or two. Walking through town with a man is not really a big deal, but it is to me. To me, I finally feel normal. If things don’t work out with Taylor, at least I will have moments like this to look back on.

Once we get to Applebee’s and seated at our table, I decide I want to spend this time just talking to him. It’s been so long, and I was never able to be me around him before. But he apparently has other ideas on what we should talk about. “So, uh… I was thinking, Ray, that you can tell me more about… uh… you know… what I mean is… Shit I don’t know how to say this.” I can see the frustration rolling off him in waves. I know what he wants to hear, but I really want to make him say it, so I just sit quietly and watch him. I see him take a deep breath and slowly let it out. He opens his mouth to say something just as the waiter shows up.

“Hi, I’m Lane. I’ll be your waiter today. Can I get you guys a drink?” I bust out laughing. I’m sorry! I know I am an ass, but the look on Taylor’s face right now… That shit is funny! He was working so hard to say something and, when the waiter interrupted, he was like a balloon just deflating. I can’t help if I get a small kick out of his being uncomfortable. This is not an easy conversation for me either!

“I’ll have a Coke, please, and can I get an order of mozzarella sticks?” Breaded fried cheese? Hell yeah! Sign me up.

“I’ll just take water, please.” Sigh… Taylor always eats boring when he is getting ready for football season.

The waiter walks away with our order and I turn to see Taylor take another big breath. As he opens his mouth…

“Hey, Tay man! What’s goin’ down?” And damn if I don’t almost fall out of my chair laughing! Taylor is glaring at me but that just makes me laugh harder! He turns his deflated body to glare at the hot guy who just walked up to our table. The guy is big! OhMyGod! Big. And hot. He is so very hot. Dark short hair, pretty green eyes, and a body to die for. He has muscles for miles. I think his fingers even have bulging muscles. And speaking of… well, never mind that.

“What the hell do you want, Marc?” My eyebrows shoot up, because Mr. Tall and Hot does not seem to like Taylor’s response.

“You do realize that I am the caption of the football team you plan to play on, right? Because, I don’t have to waste my time talking to some stupid freshman who thinks he is some big shit.” Oh shit. Dude is pissed. He keeps looking back at me and I just really want to hide at this moment.

“No! I’m sorry! I really didn’t mean it to come out like that man. I just… well… I can’t seem to… look, never mind. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be rude.” I feel a bit sorry for Tay now. The guy is rubbing his eyes, not crying but it may be too much stress.

“Um, hey.” God, I’m awkward. “I’m Raidean. I’m a fr-friend of Taylor’s?” Shit did that come out as a question? Now he’s the one with raised brows and Taylor is giving me the “shut the hell up” look.

“I’m Marc. It’s nice to meet you. You a freshman too? I think I would have remembered seeing you around here.”

Is he flirting? Wow, is it horrible of me to hope he is? It’s not that I would just ditch Taylor, but everyone likes the feeling of a hot guy flirting with him. Right? “Yea, I’m new here too. I’m sure I’d have remembered seeing you also.” I do hope that didn’t sound as stupid as I think it did. Have you ever done that? Just listened to yourself talk and said, “Damn, what moron took over my brain and started making sounds with my mouth?” ‘Cause surely that shit didn’t just come out of my mouth? That was the feeling I was getting right now.

“I love meeting the freshmen… er, freshmen.” He winked! Winked… at me! OMG. He slides into the seat next to me, and, really, it’s not like both he and Tay could fit on the same booth seat. They were both big guys. Marc was one of the biggest guys I’ve ever met. “So what are you studying?”

“I’m a double major in Psychology and Sociology. I’ve heard it’s pointless to major in both because with many jobs the degrees are interchangeable, but I figure by doing them at the same time, I’m not really wasting my time, and I like to keep busy anyway so… yeah.” I shut my mouth and take a breath. Why am I acting like this? I sneak a peek at Tay, and he’s giving me a look too. Shit. I don’t want to mess things up with him. Maybe this is why I keep feeling I’m not ready? I mean, I love him, but the hurt is still fresh and I had moved on. In my head, I had already planned out my college experience. Taylor was not part of that plan. I just need to get my mind on the new plan. I need to quit looking at this guy because that’s not helping the new plan at all.

“So, what was it you needed, Marc?” Taylor’s voice seems to snap Marc back to the here and now. He turns to look at Taylor, and it almost looks like he feels guilty about something.

“I was going to invite you to a party we are throwing tonight at The House.” He says that like The House is the actual name of the place. I was going to ask but Taylor beats me to it.

“The House? You mean your house? I thought we had to live on campus for football training?”

“Oh, yeah, we do. The House is a frat house. Almost all the team either lives there or hangs out there when we aren’t practicing. I thought I’d invite you by to meet some of the guys. Coach told me you were gay, and well… so am I, as you know. But he seemed worried that some of the guys would give you shit about it. He thought maybe if you were seen with me a bit, it would help make it go over better.” Taylor doesn’t look thrilled at this information. I don’t know what part of it bothers him the most, but I think it’s that his new GAY captain was totally hitting on the guy he wanted to be dating. I’m sorry, but that just makes my chest puff up a bit. It may be immature but I take the flattery where I can get it.

Marc turns back to me while still talking to Taylor. “I hope you bring your friend. I like getting to know all the new men around campus.” And… He winks at me again! God, I would be totally fanning myself right now if I didn’t care so much about hurting Tay’s feelings. “Anyway,” Marc says as he turns back to a mute Taylor, “Hope ta see ya both there tonight. I gotta jam! See ya!”

Taylor doesn’t say anything until Marc is out the door. “You’d have remembered seeing him?” He raises one brow. “That’s great Ray. Do I need to worry about my boyfriend around my teammates now?”

“I didn’t mean it like that! I’m sorry. I ramble when I’m nervous. And, please quit saying I’m your boyfriend, Tay. We talked about this. We said we would go slowly. I’m not ready to be your boyfriend again, yet.”

“Do you think he’d still want you if he knew what you are? I think you need to think on that before you continue turning me down.” Tay got up and walked out.

I felt tears spring to my eyes. What. He said what, not who. Am I not even a person to him? As I stare down at my napkin, I try to control my tears. It hurts to hear him say that, but I think he is making my decision easier for me. Can I be with someone who doesn’t even see me as a real person? I don’t think even I can handle that. Not from someone I love. I’m glad now that I said something and didn’t let him continue to call me his boyfriend.

I feel the table move and catch a flash of movement. When I look up, I see a girl sitting in Tay’s seat. “Hey, I’m Yazmin. You look as if you could use some company right now.” She says in a heavy voice. She sounds so serious it’s like her boyfriend was the one to leave. As I just stare at her she continues to talk. “I kinda overheard what happened, and thought maybe you’d like someone to talk to?” She says it like a question.

I’m not sure I want to tell her or anyone else about what happened, but I do want to meet new people and she seems so nice. Not many people would have come to talk to a total stranger like this. “Um… Yea, just give me a sec please. You don’t need to leave, but I need to calm down a little.”

“Sure, I’ll just chill here ‘till you’re ready to talk. We can talk about anything, it doesn’t have to be about what just happened.” I nod at her to let her know I heard her and understand what she’s saying.

She’s a pretty girl. I’ve been in Chicago for four and a half years, so I have seen a Goth before, but, honestly, I have never spoke to one. I didn’t run in that group at school. Not that I’m judging, because I’m sure she is the most normal person at this table. She has black hair with bright purple streaks through it. Obviously, the purple isn’t natural, but I think the black is, because she is definitely Spanish. She has dark makeup around her unnaturally bright blue eyes, yet the rest of her face is very pale. I’m pretty sure she is wearing makeup to lighten her natural tan, because her hands are about two shades darker. She has big lips with dark purple lipstick. A little on the plump side, though I wouldn’t call her overweight. She’s wearing a dress that looks like it used to be someone’s heavy drapes. It’s black with deep red on the chest and sleeves. She is beautiful, but not in the traditional way.

Now that I am calm and my tears are gone, I decide I really want to take this chance to make a new friend. I clear my throat and say, “Um… I’m Raidean. I don’t want to talk about what happened, but I would love the company.” I smile shyly at her.

“Cool. So do you go to school or work?”

“I go to the University of Chicago. I’m a freshman. Studying Psychology and Sociology. You?” I ask.

“I do too. I’m a sophomore. I’m working on an English Lit Degree. I also work at Dunn’s. It’s a coffee bar down the street. They do open mic for poems and readings. You should stop by sometime.” She says with little excitement. She seems to almost speak in a monotone voice. There is no up or down in her speech patterns. It’s very unusual to hear, but oddly I think it’s something I really like about her. It’s soothing.

I have a feeling this is going to go somewhere. I need a friend right now. I feel so lost. What should I do about Tay? And should I go to that party at Marc’s? He’s hot, but Taylor is right, what would Marc really think about me? There is also a chance I can meet some other guys, but does it really matter? I’ll have the same problem with them. Sigh. Life isn’t getting any easier for me. Maybe I’m not doing this college thing right. It’s too late to change dorm rooms now, and classes start in two days. I need to look into renting. But for now, I’m going to set all that aside and hang with my new friend. I’m going to make a connection with someone who doesn’t have any connections to Taylor or my past. I’m going to move on.

Part II                                                                                                                                                                                          Part IV


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