Raidean's Story, Part IV: Because It's Freeing

God my head is pounding. As I roll over in bed, I’m sure it’s going to explode. Jez, how much did I drink last night? WHAT did I drink last night? Whatever it was I never ever want it again. I’m not a big drinker. As a matter of fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve drank at all, and I have never been so drunk I had a hangover the next day. I feel like there is a demon in my head trying to burst out. I need to pee, but I’m scared to get out of bed, or move at all for that matter. I groan as I move slowly to sit up. I have to sit for a minute because I think I’m about to see what I drank last night if I move again. I take a few deep breaths to try to settle my stomach and slowly get up and make it to the bathroom. After I finish, I decide to take a hot shower. Once I’m in the shower, I remember yesterday as the hot water works its magic and wakes me up.

Yazmin really opens up and tells me about herself, it’s surprising to me because I always hold so much of myself in. I’m not used to this level of openness, but I like it. It’s refreshing. She talks about her life before college. She’s from a small town like me, but unlike me her parents are very wealthy. Not that that helped shield her from the bullies in her school. She was bullied daily. They took it to the extreme. Like one time a guy she had a crush on invited her to a school dance. She bought a dress and got her hair done, and she was so shocked that he DID pick her up. The problem is he drove her six miles out of town and left her at the lake. Just left her there! That asshole! Unlike my parents, her parents are very supportive of her. They taught her not to hide who she is and not to be ashamed of herself. I admit to feeling a little jealous about that. How different would my life be now if my parents had been more supportive and hadn’t tried to hide me away?  She’s so strong and brave. I can’t help wondering if she would be that strong if she had had parents like mine.

She says her parents rent a small two-bedroom apartment for her a few blocks away from campus. The deal they gave her is they would pay all the rent for two months, but after that if she hadn’t found a roommate, she would have to pay half the rent and utilities herself. She said she worked a part-time job to save up in case she couldn’t find someone she could handle living with and had to pay her half. I remember her giving me a little look when she 

told me this, like she was sizing me up. I almost felt like I was getting fitted for a new suit or something. I didn’t say much and just let her keep talking. Her voice is so soothing, and it had really helped me calm down at this point. Oddly enough Taylor and his words weren’t even on my mind anymore. She will never know how grateful I am for that reprieve.

She has a boyfriend also. I think my chin hit the table when she said he was a football player. I mean really? College is so not like high school. In high school a girl like Yazmin would never be dating a football player. His name is Xavi. She even wrote it out for me because she said she loves the way it’s spelled. It sounds like Havey. Anyway, that’s how our little table was brought to her attention. Xavi was with Marc when he came in, so she was curious who we were when the guys took off. She said she was going to the party at The House and she would love if I came with her.

That’s when I decided that this was my chance. My chance to not hide anymore. It was the chance I needed to tell her about me. If I planned to move in with her, she would need to know, and let’s face it, I really wanted to move in with her. The freedom that would give me makes me ache with want. My own room? My freedom away from Taylor? Yes please, sign me up! So I do it. I open my mouth and tell her my story. I tell her about being homeschooled and how I found out I was different. I tell her about the abuse I suffered at school and about the hospital trips. I tell her about our family moving because I was such a disgrace, and how I hid myself at my new school. I tell her about Taylor, how nervous I was to tell him about me, and what his response to the news was. I just lay it all out there and tell her everything. When I was done and I finally looked up at her face, I saw not disgust, but tears. I was ready to run because I didn’t need her pity, but something stopped me. She leaned over and grabbed my hand and said, “We are so lucky to have found each other. Just remember after you move in, I don’t clean bathrooms.” She smiled so big, and I didn’t even know she COULD smile! That’s how I ended up planning a big move. But before that, we were going to go to the party and we were going to get wasted! Apparently, that’s exactly what I did.

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As I got out of the shower and dried off, I thought about what I was going to tell Taylor. We spent a week getting our room just right and, now, I was going to be tearing up my half and moving out. I wasn’t sure I was ready to break ties with him yet, but I also knew we would never work if we were living together in such close quarters. Plus, I am excited about the move. I want to move now, this very minute, but I have to talk to Taylor, and at 1pm I have to go put my name on the lease. I really need to talk to my parents too. Though they aren’t paying for my college, I do need to tell them I will be moving. I kinda want to put it off, because I had told my mom I would deal with this arrangement, and I don’t want to make them more disappointed in me than they already are. Dad did say I needed to grow up and figure shit out for myself, and that’s exactly what I did. He couldn’t find fault in that could he?

Walking out of the bathroom, I see Taylor sitting up on his bed. He looks a bit green. “Um, hey. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Look, I’m sorry I ditched you at Applebee’s, but did you have to make a fool out of me at the party last night? I can’t be with you if you are going to be acting like an idiot and flirting with my teammates every time they are around.” He glared at me the whole time he said that.  He’s really making this conversation easier for me. If that’s really how he feels, then he won’t be too upset when I tell him I’m moving out. I mean, I wouldn’t want to embarrass him, right?

“Taylor, I told you we weren’t together. I told you I wanted to start as friends, and I don’t want a jealous boyfriend.  It’s not like I cheated on you or anything. I flirted a little, but I would never have done anything with him. Marc is funny and flirty. He doesn’t mean anything by it. I’m pretty sure he was trying to rile you up.”

“And you just gave him ammunition to do it! You acted like a complete slut! Do you think he would really want you? Do you think he will be as understanding as I am about your problem? Do you think…”

“I’m moving out.” I cut him off to blurt that out, but I couldn’t hear it anymore. Every word he said hit like a dagger to my heart and my fragile self-esteem.

He just gaped at me, his mouth moving like a fish. It was somewhat funny, and if I wasn’t feeling so hurt, I probably would have laughed at him. I was hurt though, and I didn’t want to stay with him any longer. “I don’t think we are going to work out. I’m sorry. Bye.” I almost run out the door and slam it closed behind me. Well, that’s one down, now to my parents.

I go out to my tree to try to calm down and take my phone out. As I hover over the button to call them, I think of the party last night.

I did act way out of character. I’m normally shy and quiet. I think it was my earlier conversation with Yazmin that had me feeling so bold. I told her all about me, and she didn’t bat a lash. She just accepted me. I went home to change after our conversation at Applebee’s, and then I showed up a little early to her apartment so she could show me around. It was perfect. The living room and dining room areas are combined and the kitchen is smallish, but perfect for two people. The bedrooms, though,—they were perfect. Not huge but about as big as the dorm I was sharing with Taylor. The closet was a half walk-in. You could go in it, but it wasn’t overly big. The bathroom was small, but not as small as the one in the dorm, and neither Yazmin nor I were really big people. She was plump, but not large. It was just right for us, and when she asked if I was interested in moving in with her, I asked when I could move and where do I sign.

We waited for Xavi to show up, because he was taking us over to the party. I was nervous about meeting him, but Yaz said he was a sweetheart and I shouldn’t worry about him. He was big. What is it with college players being so freaking huge? He was big, but I could see it wasn’t all muscle. He wasn’t bad-looking but also wasn’t what I found hot. The guy who walked in after him, though, he was hot. Marc was just beautiful, but that didn’t seem a manly enough description for him. He was big and muscled, but there was no fat on him. His green eyes made me want to faint. I swear he was looking right through me.

We joked and talked for about thirty minutes before we headed out. Marc and I sat in the back, and I could swear he was rubbing against my leg on purpose—though that could have been wishful thinking. He asked about Taylor, and I told him we dated in high school, but it didn’t work out. I explained that we were just friends, but there was a possibility that it could turn into more. He gave me a small smile and changed the subject.

By the time we got to The House, it was packed with people. Women and men spilled out of the house onto the porch.  I was excited. This was my first college party and I was ready to have some fun.

~.~

“You ready for this Ray?” Yazmin asked as we walked up to the front door.

“Of course he is! He’s walking in with the hottest man here next to him,” Marc said before I could answer. I rolled my eyes at him as he chuckled at his own joke. Apparently he has a huge ego to go along with his huge body.

Just as we step inside, some chick throws a buttload of glitter on us. OMG, I hope that chick can run because Yazmin looks murderous. “I hate glitter,” she says in my ear while giving the girl a leave-or-die look. How does someone hate glitter? I don’t get it. It’s fun, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.

We walked farther in and I could see people staring at us. I’m not sure if it’s the big guys next to us or Yazmin’s dress they were looking at. I think she looks beautiful. The dress was made out of the heavy drape-like fabric, but this time it was black and dark purple to match her hair. It was very low-cut, and she had a black leather corset over it that tied up the front.  The way Xavi was looking at her, I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought she looked great, but the others didn’t really seem sure what to think. At the table that seemed to be used for the bar, I saw Taylor watching us. He looked upset, but I’m not sure why. He didn’t want me to be here? Or is it who I am with?

I started to walk over to him and a big strong arm came around my waist and pulled me back. “Where ya headin’, babe?” I stared up at Marc like he’d grewn a second head. He winked and made a kissy face and let me go. I was a bit shaken from that, so when I turn to find Taylor, I was surprised to see he had disappeared. Like gone. I couldn’t see him anywhere. I hope he isn’t mad at me again. I didn’t even do anything. Then I bit my tongue and said “screw it”. I was mad at him! What did I care if he was mad? He ditched me. He said hurtful things. Fuck him! I’ma drink and hang with my new friends and have fun! I deserve to have fun dammit! 

~.~

To tell the truth, I don’t remember too much after that. I could have acted like a slut. I could have made a fool of myself, but no matter what happened, I am pretty sure I had fun. If I didn’t, I don’t remember so I will add my own details.

I push the button and get ready for the talk with my parents. I don’t care what they say. My life is starting to look up and I’m ready for some fun. Though she seems kinda gloomy, I’m positive that Yazmin is going to be the one to teach me to have fun. I’m ready to let go and be me for once.

Back to Part III 

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